LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
