i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
