i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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