She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
