guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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