I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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