I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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