I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
