So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
