I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
