I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
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btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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