Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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