My liver just broke up with me...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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