okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
