You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
