you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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