Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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