How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
