omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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