I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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