Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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