she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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