I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
