one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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