You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
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it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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