She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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