i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have post one night stand depression
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