well I can't set my house on fire every night
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
