Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
