I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
