I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
