Already got asked if we're dating
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
