I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
