I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
