So drunk its hurt
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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