Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
