there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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