this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
