Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
