went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
