my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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