Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
