"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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