i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
