someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
