someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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