when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just found a bag of teeth...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
40s are totally the cure
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
