you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
