I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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