I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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