I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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