Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize