Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
